I’m so Grateful for Third Spaces
Third spaces have played a huge part if my growth and self concept.
Throughout high school, I was used to being cooped up in my room after school. Every now and then I would go to a library or a local Starbucks (which, by the way, I’m currently boycotting and encourage you to, as well); but ultimately, I would be too tired after school and sick of the monotony of my life and limited by a lot of disempowering mindsets I had internalized throughout high school. Barnes & Noble was an ultimate go-to, and I’m so grateful that despite my utter dislike of my high school hometown, that we had a two-story bookstore that I found so much joy in. Yet, it would get old going to Barnes & Noble every time I was looking for an escape from my house or school. And It would get even more old going to the mall whenever I needed something to combat my boredom.
For fun, because the idea of what was possible for very sheltered, high school me was very limited, most of the time I would stay in my room on Friday nights and watch Gossip Girl, New Girl or Jane the Virgin. I lived vicariously through fictional characters, feeling like I wasn’t “allowed” or capable of experiencing what I craved– and those cravings involved having a social life, close friends and romance. And maybe I would go to the mall on Saturday or Sunday– but most likely Saturday because on Sundays I would be dealing with the Sunday “scaries” and be scrambling to finish up homework assignments. Loneliness, dread and dissociation became a part of my normal– I had become accustomed to using my imagination to escape and distract myself from my emotional pain through books, movies, TV shows and some social media scrolling. I didn’t have that many friends in high school either, and was not that close to to the ones that I did. I often felt like I had to hide parts of my then Muslim and Bangladeshi identities to fit in.
When I went to college, I discovered my deep love for community centers and coffee shops. I discovered that I was a lot more extroverted than I initially believed– and the change in environment played a significant role in bringing out that realization. In high school, I was in a predominantly white and politically conservative area where there was a lot of close mindedness and ignorance around diversity. I witnessed and experienced Islamophobia from both my teachers and classmates; even though I’m agnostic now, I was a very practicing Muslim back then and this significantly impacted me and made me feel like an outsider. In addition, I noticed racist attitudes towards people who had a cultural identity outside of being US American, leading me to whitewash myself and look down upon my Bangladeshi side– something I’m ashamed to admit as an adult and am actively working on unlearning. By going to school where I did, not only was I experiencing rejection from my peers and even some teachers in explicit and implicit ways, but I was ultimately rejecting myself as I learned shame around my cultural and religious identities. Going to college opened up a whole new world for me. I was met with people from various backgrounds who welcomed and celebrated diversity, and I had opportunities to venture out and enjoy relationships with people from the same backgrounds as me and from various backgrounds different from myself as well. In other words, I felt a lot more free and hopeful. I realized that not only did I enjoy being around people, but that I actually preferred it most of the time.
Instead of staying cooped up in my dorm room, I was always excited and even anxious about staying outside of my living space for most of the day. Fast forward almost ten years later, that has not changed. I appreciate having a cozy space to live in and am grateful for my solitude in my own personal spaces where I get to sleep, shower, etc.– but I enjoy those best when I’ve spent most of the day outside at coffee shops or at the bookstore I work at where I work with amazing people and have a stable sense of community with.
For me, third spaces are a place for connection and inspiration. I do some of my best creative work when I’m at coffeeshops. It’s a lot easier for me to get into flow state or at the very least stay focused on what I’m doing when I’m surrounded with people, the buzz of community given me a sense of motivation. It’s always a reminder to me that there is so much outside of my familiar bubble whenever I go out to coffee shops. And even if I’m not always directly talking to people around me, it’s still such a joy to have some kind of fundamental human belonging.
Local coffee shops in particular are my ultimate favorite third place. Even though I like coffee, I’m not desperate for it and I don’t require drinking it everyday. The main reason I go to local coffee shops is to spend time in them getting my creative work or other kinds of essential tasks done, as well as to feel a sense of community and social stimulation. That means that even if I’m not a huge fan of the actual coffee itself or the menu in general, I may still become a regular if I love the physical space itself.
I also love when I have meet cutes at coffee shops. I actually met one of my great friends at one of the Pax & Beneifica locations in Plano, Texas. Throughout 2023 and 2024, I was a regular there, going almost every day and even jokingly referring to it as my “second home.” I noticed that she was looking for an outlet and told her about the different locations throughout the shop, and then jumped into a conversation with her despite social anxiety rising up and prompting me to overthink. Almost two years later, we’re still good friends and she brings so much value into my life and I’m so grateful for our friendship. During the time I was a regular there, it was always comforting to see the familiar faces of the friendly baristas who worked there and with whom I often had long, enlightening conversations with.
Over the past couple of years, I’ve created so many videos online, posting mainly on social media. Whenever I post something online, whether it’s in the form of writing or in the form of a video, I intend to share it with people and connect with them. I have a deep craving and purpose for connection and inspiration and empowerment through putting myself out there online, and I try to put that into my creative and intellectual works. While I value what I make and enjoy seeing when my “content” garners many views and resonates with a lot of people, I still carry this unfulfilled craving for connection. While I’m still grateful for the online connections I make with my audience and with mutual creators online, it’s still not the same as being in an in-person community with fellow creators. Considering hanging out with friends in general, it’s not the same kind of enjoyment and intimacy communicating with them online in virtual hangouts when compared to in-person meet ups. For me personally, it’s very challenging to stay committed to my creativity and self expression where it requires much effort when I don’t feel connected to others, especially when I feel isolated. That is why having the option to going to coffee shops to get my work done is so helpful, as I am surrounded by reminders and opportunities for connection outside of myself.
Regrading hanging out with friends in person, third spaces are incredibly important in helping friendships thrive as well. I love hanging out with my friends and family at their houses and mine, and love getting cozy in an actual home or other living space. And at the same time, I am so grateful to have a plethora of coffee shops, bookstores and parks among other third spaces to meet up with my loved ones in. It’s such a great experience being able to walk under a sunset sky in the downtown of a city with a close friend, or alone. It’s so fun to check out various local coffee shops with friends to have a chat in, where we get to connect with each other through our shared appreciation of the aesthetics and vibes of each particular coffee shop.
It’s necessary and comforting to have your own individual living space to return to over and over again, and it’s exciting to have various places to check out or frequent to affirm a sense of connection and belonging with humanity. Third spaces in general provide great opportunities for healthy escapes, new experiences, integration with the world, community and self and interpersonal connection and inspiration.
Third spaces also give you opportunities to explore and embrace different parts of your identity. At one particular third space, you may seem to be an introvert focused on the book you’re reading or writing on your laptop. At another, you might be the life of the party, lighting up the space as you walk in as your favorite baristas, booksellers or gym staff recognize you as a social butterfly they look forwards to interacting with whenever you step in. You have ample opportunities to walk into a new space and discover or create a new facet of yourself.
Third spaces have played a significant role in me discovering and molding different parts of my identity. Without them, I would not have been able to get much of my writing done and videos made. I would not have discovered how possible it is for me to transcend into flow state, seeing my knowledge, wisdom and creativity flourish in ways that previously seemed impossible as loneliness and shame and guilt around taking up space blocked me from myself. I would not have realized how extroverted I really am and made many beautiful connections and experienced so much love. Looking forward to going to a third space helps me get out of bed in the morning, combating my anxiety, and coming home from them leaves me feeling reflective and connected to myself.
I hope that more of us experience the magic of third places and practice gratitude for them, and make beautiful discoveries and connections along the way.
